I want to talk to you about a man named Alfred Adler and his thoughts about something called:
Private Logic
…the ideas you carry about yourself, others and life that constitutes the personal philosophy which rules your lifestyle. These are your convictions and beliefs that formed when you were very young and are affecting your relationships and personal life today!
Here is an example of one man’s faulty private logic:
• he has convinced himself that nobody could really care about him
• he rejects people before they have a chance to reject him
• he is harshly critical of himself, expecting perfection
• he has expectations that things will rarely turn out well
• he burdens himself with guilt because he is convinced he is letting everyone down
These are examples of mistaken ideas that formed when he was very young yet he is still clinging to them as rules for living.
You Get Exactly What You Expect
The mistaken ideas we may have developed in our childhood tend to be fulfilled because on some level we need to VALIDATE OUR BELIEFS.
Here’s another example:
A woman who feels that she is unloveable and fears being alone looks for reasons to banish her lover and behaves in ways to purposefully drive him away. On some level, she does this to prove to herself that she is right! She then feels depressed and withdraws from her social life thus perpetuating her belief that she will be alone.
We THINK, We FEEL, We Act
According to Adler, it all starts with our thoughts. It is our mind that dictates our feelings and this leads us to act the way we do…. And we get stuck in these patterns because we think what we have always thought and we feel in reaction to these thoughts and we do the same things we have always done…over and over and over -confirming that we are RIGHT.
DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT? OR DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY?
CHALLENGE YOUR LOGIC!
Reality testing is a great way to do this. Talk to an objective other (perhaps a trusted unbiased friend or therapist)… Challenge whether what is really happening in your relationships is actually happening or whether you are interpreting the situation based on a PRIVATE LOGIC that may be flawed.
Adlerian Therapy is all about encouragement – You can CHANGE YOUR MIND! You can challenge those old beliefs and create new ones! You can change what you think and open yourself up to FEELING LOVED and HAPPY! And you can ACT accordingly…
CHOOSE to RECONSIDER your Private Logic. Write down what you WANT TO THINK and CHANGE YOUR MIND!
Here are some examples:
I am loveable.
The world is full of people who want to know me and love me.
I can open myself to others without fear.
or Write your Own.
It can feel very scary to even say these new thoughts out loud. They may seem so contrary to what we have believed for so long about ourselves. In my last email, I suggested an exercise from Louise Hay that has you looking at yourself in the mirror and saying to yourself 3 times: I love you, I love you, I love you.
Did you try it? What did you experience? In the feedback I have received I hear comments such as:
I felt awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassed. One women felt she didn’t deserve to say that to herself because she had been short with her kids that morning and felt guilty. Another said she just couldn’t say the words… Was that you? Think about that! Why is it so difficult to LOVE OURSELVES? Who made us feel that we weren’t worthy? That we weren’t deserving? That we aren’t enough?
It’s time to change your mind.
Want some help?
If you’re looking for support with identifying the private logic that is governing your lifestyle… let’s talk. You deserve to be happy. You can also read my article “Go Love Yourself” for a great place to start being gosh darn loveable!
Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Love you!
